my feelings during the pregnancy moved among several different axes: nervous anticipation, confidence (hey, i'm a brilliant engineer, i can handle this), lack of confidence (am i really ready to become a father?), and finally determination (it's going to happen regardless. i better get ready!)
i had my first panic attack during the pregnancy. i never found out what triggered it. it was as we were coming out of a childbirth class, the class had gone well and there was no specific reason for it i can recall. maybe it was stress at work or some of my anxiety about becoming a father working itself through my system. it was scary, and there was another milder one later, but somehow i think of them as isolated incidents and not something that will happen again. but i do tend to be someone that worries about details so maybe they will though.
J had been concerned about the baby's movements several times during the pregnancy. i would check in on her when i got home from work and try to reassure her that everything was normal. in fact, because our prenatal appointments had gone so smoothly and everything was tracking normally the thought that something might not be right hardly entered my mind. i had a first bout of anxiety when we had our first NST. but it came out so well that it gave me even more confidence that things were going smoothly.
during the last week of the pregnancy she was concerned again ... i think i felt that the baby was shifting position or getting bigger or getting ready for birth so less movement was "normal". i took her into the birth center for the second NST and remember being surprised that the measured heart rate (110s-120s) was a lot lower than before. but the midwive seemed okay with it, and J seemed okay with it, so i let myself be reassured by it.
somehow i knew that J would go into labor that week ... i'm not sure why, but i think i was mentally preparing myself for doing my part - labor support, getting J to the birth center with everything she needed, making sure that the last few details of our house were ready for Soren. needless to say i was pretty distracted at work and don't even remember now what i was working on at the time.
J began having contractions on saturday night ... we tried sleeping but i was too anxious and J too uncomfortable. we stayed up watching movies while J timed her contractions on her iPhone (i bought her an application that helps). we paged our midwives on sunday morning and called our doula and got ready to drive over (we had packed the car already).
once we got to the birth center things seemed to progress smoothly if slowly ... J was coping beautfully and i traded off with the doula offering what support i could between naps. when it got into the evening i could tell that J was having a harder time with the contractions and i was also fading for lack of food and sleep. i stepped out to get a snack and when i came back J was asking for her membranes to be ruptured. i was a little scared of this and after i heard the midwife describe the meconium i knew that something was wrong from what J has told me about NICU work.
the next hour was a blur ... i threw everything into the car, drove J to the hospital, and with increasing anxiety watched the L/D nurse try to find Soren's heart rate while J begged for an epidural. when the OB announced that he couldn't find one with the ultrasound i was shocked ... numbed ... empty. i don't think i was thinking very rationally for the next while. i remember not wanting to leave J's side, but somehow needing to tell my parents what had happened, maybe just to hear a familiar voice instead of a doctor.
i stepped outside to call them, and don't know how much time passed but the next thing i remember is one of the other midwives telling me in a panicked voice that J was seizing. i ran to her room and was frightened out of my wits. she was convulsing and hyperventilating, and they were suctioning blood out of her mouth (she had bit her tongue, but i didn't know that, i thought it was internal bleeding). i could tell that she was not "there." the room was flooded with nurses and doctors who struggled to start a Mg dose. my only focus was on trying to give J something to focus on as best she could in her state. i looked into her eyes and told her to over and over again to look at me, that i loved her, and i was there for her. one part of my mind thought these could be my last moments with her. i am still traumatized by this memory and expect to be for some time.
the next thing i knew the seizure seemed to ramp down ... and she was pushing Soren out with intense uncontrolled contractions. i think the midwife realized before the doctors what was going on. the doctors didn't have time to arrange the table for the delivery and had to catch the baby without anything underneath. at this point something in my mind snapped and i became incredibly lucid ... i told the OB that i wanted to cut the cord, as we had planned, and they let me. i only saw Soren for a fraction of a second before they took him away. they asked J a few questions and it was clear her memory was impaired ... i had no idea what that meant and i was scared.
J birthed the placenta, and i asked them to not do any invasive testing because J had wanted to bury it and plant a tree afterwards. (we later changed our mind but J was totally out of it and i wanted her to be a part of that decision.) they gave her a few stitches which must have been very painful. i helped move her to the ICU and spent the night there. she gradually regained awareness.
they brought Soren, dressed in the clothes and wrapped in the blanket we had brought for him. we had picked two names for him but were waiting to choose until we saw him. the moment we saw him be both knew he was Soren. the photographer came and took pictures of him with us. i have never felt anything so beautiful and so painful at the same time as when i was holding him in my arms. we spent the night with him and then said our goodbyes.
at that point my story starts to re-converge with J's. J spend the next few days in the hospital. i stayed in the hospital with her, occasionally running errands or taking walks, forcing down food and trying to find a decent cup of coffee (never did). i think about a dozen different doctors came by. the nurses were all very kind, some were simply beautiful and amazing human beings who were a ray of light in a very dark place. i spent a long hour in the hospital chapel praying and asking God a lot of hard questions and not getting many answers. it's all a blur now.
this was really long, but already my memories are starting to fade a bit and i wanted to capture as many of the important pieces as i could. looking back on it now my optimism feels like naivete. i had no idea that new life hangs by so thin a thread. if and when there is a next time, i have no idea how i am going to control my anxiety. i am trying to tell myself not to jump that far ahead yet and to take things one step at a time. i know we'll get there because J is the strongest and bravest human being i know.
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