Gameplan

now that the initial shock has subsided a bit, J and i are trying to get some grasp of what our lives will look like without Soren. and we are very afraid. we are still staying at her mom's house, because the thought of spending days and nights in the house we prepared for him is still a bit too much.

J's family did a very kind thing. they went over to our house while we were in the hospital, and carefully put away Soren's things - the crib, the changing table, the clothes, the strollers. it makes things easier ... sort of. the house feels eerily empty without seeing those familiar things around. and that emptiness is just as much a reminder of him as the things themselves are. it's going to be a huge adjustment to accept our "new" house for two.

then there is the fear of time ... after the things that need to get done get done, what do we do? our entire vision of our future days was centered on taking care of Soren and finding a rhythm and routine of care for him together. now what happens to those empty quiet spaces in the day? what do we talk about? do we talk about Soren and bring back our grief? do we not talk about Soren, even though nothing else seems worth talking about? we have to find a new routine that will keep us functioning, keep us together, and prevent us from going into a deep dark hole. J and i have pledged to watch each other for signs of depression. maybe it's not a question of whether, but of when and how badly. i just don't see living a "happy" life for quite some time.

we have our first session with a therapist tomorrow evening. i think there are so many issues on the table for both of us that it is going to take an hour just to figure out where we are at. the therapist comes recommended ... we'll see how it goes. i have never been to "official" therapy before. maybe he will work miracles.