Homecoming

i realize it's been a few days since i've posted here. i felt i owed at the very least an update on what's been going on.

the main news is that J and i are back at our house in Seattle. spending time with J's family was comforting, but a combination of factors led us to head home. as far as practical stuff goes our house had been empty for two weeks except for daily visits .. and there were a bunch of things that needed to get done that would be very hard to do remotely, like file our taxes (ugh) and take out the trash (ugh).

on a more emotional level i needed space! J's family spends their time quite differently from what i am used to, which involves more quiet time without a TV. and there are a bunch of other dynamics going on in her family which i am not going into right now. the upshot was i was really needing to be back in my home court so to speak so i could get my feet on the ground and start to move forward.

i knew this would be hard for J and it was ... we weren't on speaking terms for a little while once we got home but she/we are adjusting bit by bit.

surges of emotion hit me from time to time ... for the first time the other night i felt really, really angry. and frustrated. i was really angry at everything and everybody. angry that i was being put through this. angry at J for being a part of this. angry at our midwives for not protecting us from this. angry at God for allowing this to happen. and frustrated that time isn't passing faster so i can put it all past me. the anger passed, but for a while i just clammed up and kept it in.

okay, how about some good news?

J has been checking her blood pressure and her pulse got a little low so she discontinued her meds. a MFM doctor finally got back to her and said that was okay, so i guess she is officially off her medication. yay!

after originally planning on getting extensions on our taxes, i realized that you actually have to determine if you owe any taxes ... which means preparing them anyway. so i spent today with turbo tax and filed everything. and i got refunds! (the hard part of taxes was going through the boxes of papers scattered around our house and catching up on 10+ months of delayed filing... double ugh)

and, J booked a trip to Maui! we had talked about doing this before Soren came but between our money situation and the timing we never got around to it. well, better late than never! two weeks of sun and surf and a bit of an escape from our life of the past few weeks. and a chance to establish our life as a couple again.

the next looming thing is planning Soren's service. i have an email with a plan for the service i've been waiting on opening because i know it's going to require all of my emotional reserves to see it through. also, we will be picking up Soren's remains this week. wish me luck.